Ballad of Webb Doss

Bell County’s most memorable son
for the Cummins Family reunion ~1975

When I was a young lad in the county of Bell
Webb Doss was a man that I came to know well
His parents had money and built a fine home
Which Webb Doss inherited when they were gone

The years went by and his fortunes decreased
He had a strong aversion to elbow grease
He avoided all labor with exceptional skill
And rested himself with a passionate will

When winter wind blew and his house became cool
It was too far to walk out and tote in the fuel
So instead of fetching from the wood pile at night
He discovered that furniture burned warm and bright

And when all the furniture had been consumed
He pulled down the walls of the outermost room
Each winter a wall in the fireplace got hove
Till all that was left was a kitchen and stove

Now squirrel hunting wasn’t too much of a chore
If he could take aim from his own back door
If he ever did any work besides that
Then he managed keeping it under his hat

Although his requirements were modest indeed
He had several schemes to take care of his needs
He found out how gullible people could be
And took advantage of their naivety

Whenever his shoes became tattered and frail
He wrote a shoe company their products to sell
And when he received his shoe-salesman kit
He found in the samples a comfortable fit

He obtained all his cloths by a similar means
And swindled a company of a shipment of beans
He was very clever with paper and pen
Without Webb Doss where would Bell County have been

An agent of a company sustaining a loss
Inquired in Bell County where to find Webb Doss
They all directed him to Doss’s place
Where this man confronted Webb Doss face to face

But Webb Doss retained his aequanimitas
And said “Mr you got the wrong Webb Doss
“Oh you’ve made a dreadful mistake I fear
“For lots of Webb Dosses are living round here”

Webb ordered a set of false teeth in the mail
But he was reluctant to pay up the bill
Said they fit so bad that his whole body hurt
So how could he pay them if he couldn’t work

Now Webb Doss knew how to make politics pay
He wrote to all candidates with this to say
“I’ll work for you here as you campaign commences
Send 100 dollars to cover expenses

He picked up this money from every contender
And wrote them describing his services rendered
Saying “You’ll likely carry the County of Bell
“Send 100 more and we surely can’t fail”

When Roosevelt came to the president’s chair
He took a great interest in Doss’s welfare
Each month a check was mailed right to his door
So Webb didn’t have to work any more

But one time his check was a little bit late
Webb went to the bureaucrat very irate
Said “Your money comes from the same place as mine
“So see to it that I receive it on time”